Keep it stupid, simple!

I am not going to offer a commentary on Brian Whittle MSP’s interview in Holyrood Magazine. The one in which he notoriously denies the very existence of the British government’s ‘rape clause’. Wings Over Scotland has already published a review which does some justice to Whittle’s truly monumental stupidity. I recommend that you read Stu Campbell’s elegant evisceration of the fool before continuing.

Now that you have the measure of Whittle’s intellect, I shall make my point. Which is that Brian Whittle is far from being exceptional in his profound dimness. Stu Campbell may have awarded him the title of ‘Thickest Politician In Scotland’ in recognition of his achievement in reaching a “truly Olympian level of stupid “, but Whittle took the prize against a strong field of contenders which includes stars such as Jamie Greene, Annie Wells, Alex Cole-Hamilton and Kirstene Hair. Each of whom now has to doff their dunce’s cap to the new king of the village dung-heap.

All of the British parties in Scotland have the same problem. They just don’t have the talent. At every level of government, they simply can’t get capable people. Sane, sober and sensible individuals are shunning the British parties to such an extent that, over the past decade, debating chambers across the country have seen a statistically significant fall in IQ.

In part, this is explained by the British parties putting up ‘paper candidates’. People who are totally unqualified for the duties and responsibilities of elected office and who are certainly not expected to win, but whose names are placed on the ballot simply in order to soak up the votes that might otherwise go to a candidate from a Scottish party. This dubious practice has long been a feature of local government elections. But it is spreading.

The real problem begins when one of these paper candidates actually wins due to things like tactical voting. All of a sudden, the local MP’s drunken halfwit cousin with the comedy hairpiece and weapons-grade body odour is a Councillor! Those unintended consequences can be vicious wee bum-biters!

The bar has been lowered on the British parties’ candidate selection processes to the point where forms filled in using crayon aren’t necessarily filtered out. Being able to name three things that might be found in a farmyard could be enough to get you through. If you’ve turned up to the interview wearing matching socks and a winning smile, they may even stretch a point and allow ‘crocodile’. Or ‘Tardis’.

How else are we to explain the phenomenon of fuckwittey that is Brian Whittle?

There is a serious aspect to all of this, of course. While we may laugh uproariously at Richard Leonard’s antics in the chamber during First Minister’s Question and mercilessly mock the demented drivel committed to Twitter by the likes of Murdo Fraser, we should not forget that these people are bringing our politics into disrepute. Nor should we lose sight of the fact that they purport to be poised ready to govern Scotland. I don’t mean to give you nightmares, but consider for a moment the notion of Annie Wells as Justice Secretary. Or James Kelly in charge of the nation’s finances. Or Brian Whittle in any job which demands mastery of anything more complicated than a mop.

These bollards and bladders are being foisted on us by the British parties without a care for how they embarrass Scotland. Or for the harm that they might do if allowed any real power. Already we have Councils in Scotland controlled by people you wouldn’t rely on to run a whelk stall if it involved real whelks. And a real stall. We have British politicians squatting on the opposition benches in Holyrood who are not only pathologically stupid but pathologically eager to flaunt their stupidity in the media.

Surely Scotland deserves better.

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